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Pinning and pining.

I think I've pinned down what has been bothering me. Well...besides the obvious. Or maybe the better way to describe it would be would be beyond the obvious.

I guess I feel as though I'm losing my family. Well I AM losing my family. Dad...and now grandma. I only really have two immediate family members left. My mum and my Grandma Johnson. Grandma Johnson is always sick with something or other...and I know she won't be here that long. I'm just really scared I'm not going to have much family left. And I'm REALLY scared that I'm not going to have or be able to have one of my own. I really do feel like I'm the last person here that's going to be part of "my" family for any length of time. It's a really haunting feeling.

Good news: I'm DETERMINED to get into school and stay there...at least long enough to have a transcript that will travel. Sean's going to be huge help there. Finally someone positive and reassuring in my life in the flesh and blood. My online friends have been so great...but having someone right here I think is going to be the missing link. Yay!!!

That's all for now.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
pushnell
Sep. 28th, 2006 04:03 pm (UTC)
You know I don't comment too often. But I've read most of your posts since I met you; watching you go from Minocqua (and Jesse) to where you are now. (From a dead end to a completely open one.)

At some point (I don't remember when,) I remember thinking, "Cool, someone supportive. This will be interesting." (Interesting to see what you'll do with yourself, now that you have things in your life that lift you up instead of drag you down.)

Congrats on your new-found determination ... I think it's all anyone really needs if they want to find success. Only thing I can say, is make it yours. Make sure it comes from inside, and you'll get where you're going.
theater_chica
Sep. 29th, 2006 05:31 am (UTC)
Here's to hoping.

I'm not really sure where the determination comes from. I guess it's something I could sit down and reflect on but I'd rather be using it. I guess just the weight of measuring up to dad was too much to get over...now the only person I have to measure up to is myself. I know everyone else will be suportive of me. The only person who can make me feel like a failure now is myself...I hope that I can just realize I'm okay even if I'm not perfect and the best at everything I try.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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