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*grumble*

You know...I really wish there was a way to control feelings. I know that you can act like you don't care about some things...but in reality...you can't turn emotion off. If you're going to be sad, or angry, or whatever...you're going to and there's not really a damn thing you can do about it.

I also wish this were true in other ways. But I really don't want to delve into that. It's just going to get me upset and depressed.

I've really been wondering about my lack of faith, or religion, or whatever, lately. Back when I was in high school and really involved in the church, my life was just as tubulent and crappy, yet I was happier. But know, I can't believe in something I don't have proof of. I just can't do the blind faith thing. Yet, I wonder if there's some way I can have that sense of calm back. Some way to restore my faith without feeling like a hypocrite. There's someone I've met recently that seems really level headed and cool about things. He's already made a couple comments to me that were totally true and most people would just be too chicken to mention, and he earned major respect points in my book. I don't think he'd be the type to shove his religion down my face if I just asked him stuff...or tried to express my recent wavering and confusion to him...but at the same time I barely know him and I don't want to seem creepy or crazy. But hell, any insight is better than the none I have right now. I've already asked if there was a good time to just sit down and chat...but he seems to be avoiding the issue and I don't want to press it.

In other news...the play's...going. I'm just totally not feeling confident. Everyone else seems to be improving every night and I feel like I'm going backwards. I really want to get involved in the theater again...but I want to improve and I don't want to hold everyone back. Also with things being the way they are at home right now I'm feeling selfish by trying to do this. I'm so scared I'm not going to have a place to live from one minutes to the next. I mean...what if things really get that bad a week before opening? Where do I go? And how the hell do I explain that I'm having to ditch out of a show with a weeks notice. I just don't feel like I'm being fair to the rest of my cast. But I've already dug myself in and everyone would pretty much hate me if I left now. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Uggg.

Okay...I'm done bitching and complaining. Things have been the best today and yesterday than they've been in a long long time. I'm just going to keep hoping that things stay calm. It's teh best I can do right now given the circumstances.

laters taters

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
meatrace
Oct. 9th, 2007 06:10 am (UTC)
Personally I feel much more becalmed and assured by the fact that there IS no god, no destiny for me, no heaven to strive for or hell to avoid. Much less to worry about, then I just pay the bills and have fun. What the hell else matters other than that you are enjoying life? If you're not, well, go change something.
But then I think I've always been, arguably, too emotionally stable. Unshakable even, to the point where others depression and doubts just befuddle me.
You analyze shit as much as I do, but you're a girl, and your analysis seems to always be "well there's something wrong with ME then". Bullshit, you're fine, be happy dammit!
theater_chica
Oct. 9th, 2007 06:15 am (UTC)
You might be onto something...

then again...I might.

I don't know. I'm not saying I want to go rushing back to that. I'm just wanting to talk to someone that's there now and not going to cram it down my throat. Perhaps remember why I was there in the first place and now I'm not and just reenforce my thinking even. I don't know. I'm just very confused right now.
meatrace
Oct. 9th, 2007 06:48 am (UTC)
IMHO god and religion is no different than anything else people sink their lives into. People just need to escape into something, and to me religion is just as dangerous and welcoming as a bottle of jack daniels. It's a crutch for the weak, and if you're feeling weak then the questions you need to ask are internal.
Know thyself.
champion
Oct. 9th, 2007 12:36 pm (UTC)
"As our knowledge of science has grown we no longer need to rely on religion to explain that which we do not understand."

I love that quote.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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