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Balence

Balence is fricken hard. There are so many things that are important to me. Sean, even though it's uber rough right now, is at the top of the list. But my future, and my grades, and my sanity are also up there at the top. The balencing act is becoming exhausting.

I just feel sometimes like everything is on my shoulders. I understand why he feels like I need to be bowing to his every whim and desire...but I can't shake the feeling that if he really wanted a relationship, he'd be trying to do this together instead of constantly telling me how much I don't do and what a worthless piece of shit I am. I think I'm just irritated because I was having a decent day. I showed up to my anthropology class on time after over a week of being too tired to go...and didn't seem like I was all THAT far behind. I've missed a couple quizes and I need to talk to him to see if there's a way to make them up...but other than that it shouldn't be too too bad. I didn't make a complete fool of myself in math, even though we are doing factoring right now which is something I wasn't even good at in middle/high school when I had this math class the first time. I have a feeling my 98% average in that class is going to come crashing down after the next test. I talked my way out of turning in my drama paper that was due today...just because I mentally can't think of what to write. It's an easy paper...I just...I don't know.

And then rehersal actually went okay. Michelle actually had some things to say to me that will help me improve the play. I was getting so paranoid because she hasn't been giving me suggestions...and I'm really excited that she had tips for me tonight. Despite the first impressions I've probably made with her and the rest of the cast, I really do thrive on constructive criticism and always becoming better. I know I'll never be perfect, but I also know there's not point in stopping to try to be perfect because that's the only way you're going to become better. After rehersal I went to IHOP with Joe, Jake, and a group of their friends *I wanna say Jim *six degrees of seperation guy from blockbuster...small world* Andy and Bethany* I had a good time and actually got to relax and just BE for awhile. Unfortunately that meant that I completely lost track of time and when Joe looked at his phone and said "Oh my it's 11:15 already" I sort of got this gross feeling in my stomach. I don't know...part of me just wishes so bad that I could have a nice time without feeling guilty...but I'm always going to. I'm always going to be trying to prove myself...and I just feel more and more and more like I'm never going to be able to. I'm not happy with the way things are right now. I could be...and I could even be happy with the "rules" that we have...but not when I'm feeling like I'm 100% of the trying and there's no one trying with me. I'm sick of "proving" myself. Someone trying to hold together a healthy relationship shouldn't be proving themself. They should be working with the other person.

It just pisses me off. Sean is a wonderful guy. I'm just not a wonderful person. I don't know why I'm not willing to give up new friends and grades and all that other crap. Uggg...I'm too tired to really make sense right now...I can tell. This paragraph was SUPPOSED to be about all the kind things he's done for me...which are more numerous than I'd ever be able to name...but it's just going to come out as a mush of me trying to defend myself. Which isn't what I'm trying to do.

I did find the promise string today. I swear to God I looked where I found it a million times when I was looking before and it wasn't there. It made me smile. As stupid as that is. I don't feel like I have anything to smile for. But I really really want to believe that I do. I hate having this head/heart conflict. I will it's making me be smart about some things though. I am actually really pound of my behavior recently. I'm passing up things I never would have when I was a horrible crappy person. I really think at the very least I am becoming "better." I don't like hurting people...it makes me feel like shit...and I'm making choices I'm pround of now. I know I do things that piss him off constantly...and I don't do them consciously *I can't spell* but the things I'm NOT doing I'm proud of. I think I've grown and come a long way...and I know he'll never see it...but I do see it. I know what I've done, what I'm doing, and what I'm trying to do more and more of everyday. I'm allowed to feel proud of myself...and I will continue to do so.

I know a lot of this is cryptic and rambling...and I doubt anyone will actually read it...but my brain is a muddled mess and I just needed to get this stuff off my chest before I went nutty. Even though I have friends that I can enjoy and hang out with...I still don't feel like I have anyone I can really TALK to. It sucks.

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