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I'm done. Through. I'll figure it out. I'm smart. I'm pretty *enough.* I can be fun, funny, fun to be around. I can be all of it. But I'm NOT going to be all of it for someone I've grown to resent. I like the person I am now. The person that isn't purposefully hunting others, that's willing to look at her downfalls and actually work on fixing them instead of hiding out in a dark corner hoping they'll go away. I have so many faults. I can't fix them all overnight. I can probably NEVER fix them all. But I can certainly work on being a better person. And I refuse to do that for anyone else. I only want to become a better person for myself. If someone else sees who I'm becoming, who I'm trying to be, and admires me for that...great. But that's not why I've been working on changing and that's not why I'll continue to change.

I really HAVE to figure out a way to stay in Decatur. Not here...but in Decatur. I NEVER in a million years thought I'd actually finally feel like a part of something here...but now I do. I don't want to stay here forever by any means...but I really want to finish this part of my life here. I was to get my Associates and then move on. I'm sick of failing. I'm sick of not doing what I KNOW I can do. I've got a 95% average in all my classes right now. I can DO this. And I might even be able to do it and get scholarships and everything. I just have to figure out how to LIVE here. I don't need a lot. I need a job with enough money to pay for a room to rent somewhere, and small storage space, food, gas, meds, and the unexpected. I'm willing to only take a couple classes a semester if that's what it takes. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I just HAVE to do this. I told myself when dad died that I was going to do this for him...and I'm NOT going to let that promise slip away. I CAN do this and there's a way out there...I just have to find it. I've got a few suggestions...and for once I'm seriously going to look into them. It's time I started living for myself.

I fell into another one of my sucidal patterns again tonight. The same patterns I've been facing ever since middle school. I can't remember when the first time I felt like that was. I'm so greatful that I can recognize them now and tell myself it's okay to feel that way but also let myself have the time I need to snap out of it. It was so scarey a few years ago when I would feel like this and pump my thigh full of a half a bottle of insulin and then a half hour later hurl myself down the stairs in a sweaty heap looking for sugar from anywhere I could get it. Sometimes I still wish I wasn't such a chicken and I could just drive my car 80 mph into a tree...but I know that I'm here for some reason and eventually I'm going to find that reason.

I've really been wondering about destiny and fate and religion and how "big" the world is lately. I still don't think I believe in the whole Christian God idea...but I do believe in a lot of the moral teachings. I'm just trying to be a good, decent person right now and I'm hoping that I'll find the answers that make sense to me sometime.

The one thing I do miss is having a professional counciler to talk to. Someone who could help me sort through the mess of my relationship with Sean *or lack of relationship...or my wanting and not wanting all at the same time...however you'd like to put it* and my dad's death. Those are the two big ones. Dad's been dead nearly a year and a half now and I still can't REALLY admit it to myself. I miss him so much. Even though we never saw eye to eye and we never really agreed...I do know he loved me. I know my mum loves me. I know my cat loves me. That's all I've got now. My mother and a cat. I feel really alone a lot and I wish I had someone I could really talk to about it who was a third perspective and not wanting to comfort me but actually wanting to help me work though it all. The new people I've met are great...but they want me to be happy and comforted...they don't necessarily want me to heal *or at least they don't realize always siding with me and not really looking at the whole picture isn't always what I need*

I wish he'd turn down the fucking music. It's almost five and I've got a test in the morning that I've missed about four lectures for. I'm outta here at seven so I can sit in my car at Richland and read this crap.

Along the lines of being a better person...I'm really really really proud of myself. I'm really starting to look at what I need and what's best for me as far as relationships are concerned. I've had an interest in someone for awhile now...but I'm smart enough to know it's a bad idea. How great is that? Before I wouldn't have cared and just tried to jump in. Now I know it would never work and I'm smart enough to see that. I've been "single" *I use quotes because it's been a feeling of gradual decline...with periods of officalness and periods of trying to work it out...but never in a real supportive relationship* since July now...and I'm still not feeling confident. I just want to meet someone I can really open up to and talk with. I don't want sex or anything remotely sexual. I want someone I connect with. Someone who isn't looking to get into my pants *because let's face it..98% of guys who show a remote interest in me are...not saying that I'm that great...just saying that the majority of guys like sex that much* but it looking for intellect, who wants to share their knowledge and idea, who doesn't necessarily want someone who agrees with everything they think but wants someone who'll listen to their side and try to empathize with it...even if they don't agree with it. Someone who's open minded. Someone who understands I have a life that won't always include them. I have my friends...they have theirs...and SOMETIMES they come together in the middle...but not always. Someone who supports my wanting to have a 4.0 and not looking at it as a stupid goal. Someone who WANTS me to be involved in theatre again because they can see it makes me happier and not hold it over my head as a playing card to prove they aren't important. I basically want something that doesn't exsist. I want a relationship without sex. I've come to learn in this world...that can't happen.

I wish I could take a lot of my life back. Not all of it...but a lot. I've learned from everything I've done...but I wish I would have got the lessons the first time instead of the fifth or sixth time. Maybe I'm just that thick headed. Who knows?

Anyhow...I'm running out of steam. I'll probably write me tomorrow...I just don't have it in me right now...

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
guavmom
Oct. 25th, 2007 11:54 am (UTC)
Dear girl, there's so much here I want to respond to. I myself am just one week out of a psych unit, being treated for bi-polar disorder and undergoing a meds change. So, I'm still recuperasating, and not 100% clear. However, I think you are on the right track on so many levels. You and I have many issues in common, so I relate significantly to much of what you've written. For now, I wish you strength, and hope to get back to you later. I'm waiting for a ride to my MH clinic, and councelor, at the moment, but your entry caught my attention. Good luck on the test.

jasondemotte
Oct. 25th, 2007 01:51 pm (UTC)
While I can't be a councilor like you want (I'm too rooted in the mentality you describe, of always wanting to try to comfort you and see you happy), but I will always be there for you. In whatever capacity you ask for.

And I truly admire the fact that you're trying to fix your problems, or at least planning on trying to fix your problems (Hey, a first step is a first step). Really, I am proud of you.
apache6131
Nov. 10th, 2007 05:41 pm (UTC)
A 4.0 Goal is very admirable, I'm trying to encourage my girl to do that this semester. If you get those grades you should be able to get a scholarship to somewhere like ISU in Bloomington or the like and get a bachelor's degree in a couple years with a small amount in loans to pay off.

It sounds more like you need a supportive friend than a relationship. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm almost always on AIM when I'm not at work.

-Bill
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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