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and this week...

You know what's really hard? Watching someone exactly like you go through life. Well maybe not exactly. But really really similar. Listening to them one day. Listening to their amazing advice and really truly embracing what they are saying and feeling GOOD because you did...and then seeing that same person fall. And wishing so much you knew what to say to make them see you DO understand and you DO get it and you feel the same exact way and not being able to. They don't even have to say anything...because what they do say in their own way you get. Wishing so hard that you knew them better so you knew what to say to them. So you could not feel weird and creepy asking them to talk to you, to let you in. So you wouldn't feel weird about relizing that you are what they need right now and not knowing how to bring it up. And not feeling weird about any of these things because you think they're werid...but because you think YOU'RE weird for thinking it. Being just as flippin awkward as they are. And feeling just as "unincluded" as they are with the world around them. And to top it off...having amazing days of feeling great and crappy ass days of feeling not so great like they do.

I just want to scream. Not in a bad way. In a "why don't you see it" way. But, if there's one thing my old age has taught me is sometimes you just have to let go. Sometimes you can't make people see. A hard fact of living it that sometimes, you have to watch people you care about figure it out on their own terms. And many times...their own terms don't include you.

I have a good life. I have a mother and stepfather who would give me the world. I have teachers at school that have bent over backwards to see me succeed this semester. I have people I live with that encourage me and support me and listen to me and my silly problems. I even have a few friends I can go to and talk to, but no one that I want to share what I'm really feeling with. No one that I think would UNDERSTAND. But the one person that might is the one person I don't want to weird out. Why does life have so many catch-22s?

You know what else sucks? Getting your hopes up. You know, people give me a hard time about being pessimistic. But this would be a prime example of why I am. Of why I take every conversation I have with a grain of salt. Of why I feel REALLY stupid for even thinking I could find what I might be looking for.

You know what ELSE sucks? Richland's financial aid people. I went there Friday afternoon because I had received conformation that my FAFSA was processed on Dec. 3 and I hadn't heard anything from Richland about it. I started thinking maybe there was more paperwork I needed to do that I just didn't know about or something. So, after going to the desk and asking to speak to someone, I sat down to wait. Then ANOTHER lady started working the desk, and a few people came in. In about 15 minutes this lady tells them to go back to the office and so and so would talk to them. I didn't really think much of it. Until I had been sitting there for 40 minutes and more people started getting sent in...I then went up and asked if I was even IN the computer system...and I wasn't. So after about 50 of waiting around, I get to go talk to someone. Only to be told I don't exsist at RCC. I THEN go to the LRC to pull up the emails that the government sent me and print out all the conformation I have, and go BACK to financial aid and hand it to them. Only to be told "that's odd, I don't know what to tell you, we'll call you in a few days." YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL ME???? How about "Don't freak out we'll figure you where you're going to come up with $1500 to go to school next semester." That would be a great place to start. *sigh*

In other news...I'll be going back home either Monday or Tuesday and staying until either the 28th or 3rd. I won't have a lot of internet access then because the family's on dial-up...but I plan on spending my entire Christmas gatherings on coffee so I'll at least be online while drinking the caffienated goodness that it is.

I had a bunch of other stuff to say right now...but it has escaped me and somehow doesn't seem important anymore.

Hope everyone stays safe and warm this weekend.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
meatrace
Dec. 16th, 2007 05:00 am (UTC)
such a drama queen :P

lemme know if you're on your way through mad town. we can get indian food ;)
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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