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Does anyone else have this feeling of unbelievable confusion right now? Between the war, my family, where I'm going with my life, where I'm going to be living, whether or not I can find a job anytime soon, and my love life I feel like jello in a blender. Cherry jello mind you, none of that gross orange stuff with the shredded carrots floating around in it...that's just gross.

Everyone's talking about the war. Not to sound callous, but I'm sick of talking about it and hearing about it. I hope it's over quickly and that the Iraqi's are happy with American's stamping out their government whether they like it or not and that Bush is all victorious and that whoever runs against him in the next election wins and we don't have to deal with his stupidity. We can deal with someone else's stupidity for the next four years. That's all I"m saying about the war. Although I did go adopt a Marine from http://www.presidentialprayerteam.org/troopsadopt.htm That's my part in this whole mess. So to Jesse and his family...I hope you return safely and quickly. That's to jenday for that link.

As far as family...for some weird reason lately I've had this whole "family" urge thing. I'm becoming resentful because I know I'm not going to ever have kids and the chances of me finding someone that I'm going to be able to deal with for the rest of my life is becoming slimmer and slimmer. I think I just need to lower my standards and take what comes my way. And the family that I do have...aka mum and step dad with a few sprinkled relatives here and there...is just getting harder and harder to deal with. It's getting to the point where I just want out of this house and never return. I'm getting so I'd rather be with my dad right now than where I am...and that's a big deal.

Life goings=non-existent. I'm to the point where I'm searching for a job and quitting school for now. Not forever but right now I have more bills than I can count and there's just no money to pay them. There's NO WAY I'm the type of person that can work and study...I have a hard enough time with one or the other...so for now work is winning. I've applied for a few positions today that are fairly "cushy" and would be nice...we'll see how it goes.

Living arrangements...either here or with dad for now. I'm hoping I'll have a job by the time summer rolls around and might *cross fingers knock on wood* be able to split rent or afford a small one bedroom apartment. But we'll see...that ties in the whole lack of job thing too.

And love life. What a fucking joke. I haven't seen my "boyfriend" in a week and a half...and I might have talked to him twice. I've talked to his "roommate" more than him. And roommate is questionable because he's about to get thrown out of his house. Jesse did say one of the nicest things to me I've heard in awhile today though. It was something to the effect of "you need to be told everyday how great you are." Those weren't his exact words, but something like that. He also was saying how I have potential and people everywhere can see that and why can't I and all that stuff. It's strange but for some reason I believe him. I usually just brush people off when they say things like that but the conversation we had today really uplifted my spirits...weird. And as far as Stephen is concerned...I'm trying my damndest to put him out of my head, seeing that he's in Greece and I can't even communicate with him on a regular basis, but it's hard. Old habits aren't easy to get rid of and he's a great guy, but it's just not possible anytime soon...and as I was telling kianpepper I usually take the road of instant gratification. So we'll see...

Signing off....
Amanda

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