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and this week...

You know what's really hard? Watching someone exactly like you go through life. Well maybe not exactly. But really really similar. Listening to them one day. Listening to their amazing advice and really truly embracing what they are saying and feeling GOOD because you did...and then seeing that same person fall. And wishing so much you knew what to say to make them see you DO understand and you DO get it and you feel the same exact way and not being able to. They don't even have to say anything...because what they do say in their own way you get. Wishing so hard that you knew them better so you knew what to say to them. So you could not feel weird and creepy asking them to talk to you, to let you in. So you wouldn't feel weird about relizing that you are what they need right now and not knowing how to bring it up. And not feeling weird about any of these things because you think they're werid...but because you think YOU'RE weird for thinking it. Being just as flippin awkward as they are. And feeling just as "unincluded" as they are with the world around them. And to top it off...having amazing days of feeling great and crappy ass days of feeling not so great like they do.

I just want to scream. Not in a bad way. In a "why don't you see it" way. But, if there's one thing my old age has taught me is sometimes you just have to let go. Sometimes you can't make people see. A hard fact of living it that sometimes, you have to watch people you care about figure it out on their own terms. And many times...their own terms don't include you.

I have a good life. I have a mother and stepfather who would give me the world. I have teachers at school that have bent over backwards to see me succeed this semester. I have people I live with that encourage me and support me and listen to me and my silly problems. I even have a few friends I can go to and talk to, but no one that I want to share what I'm really feeling with. No one that I think would UNDERSTAND. But the one person that might is the one person I don't want to weird out. Why does life have so many catch-22s?

You know what else sucks? Getting your hopes up. You know, people give me a hard time about being pessimistic. But this would be a prime example of why I am. Of why I take every conversation I have with a grain of salt. Of why I feel REALLY stupid for even thinking I could find what I might be looking for.

You know what ELSE sucks? Richland's financial aid people. I went there Friday afternoon because I had received conformation that my FAFSA was processed on Dec. 3 and I hadn't heard anything from Richland about it. I started thinking maybe there was more paperwork I needed to do that I just didn't know about or something. So, after going to the desk and asking to speak to someone, I sat down to wait. Then ANOTHER lady started working the desk, and a few people came in. In about 15 minutes this lady tells them to go back to the office and so and so would talk to them. I didn't really think much of it. Until I had been sitting there for 40 minutes and more people started getting sent in...I then went up and asked if I was even IN the computer system...and I wasn't. So after about 50 of waiting around, I get to go talk to someone. Only to be told I don't exsist at RCC. I THEN go to the LRC to pull up the emails that the government sent me and print out all the conformation I have, and go BACK to financial aid and hand it to them. Only to be told "that's odd, I don't know what to tell you, we'll call you in a few days." YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL ME???? How about "Don't freak out we'll figure you where you're going to come up with $1500 to go to school next semester." That would be a great place to start. *sigh*

In other news...I'll be going back home either Monday or Tuesday and staying until either the 28th or 3rd. I won't have a lot of internet access then because the family's on dial-up...but I plan on spending my entire Christmas gatherings on coffee so I'll at least be online while drinking the caffienated goodness that it is.

I had a bunch of other stuff to say right now...but it has escaped me and somehow doesn't seem important anymore.

Hope everyone stays safe and warm this weekend.

I'm still here...

For those of you who want to know where my time has been going...it's something like this...



so yeah...

I heard the news that you're dead...


100_0823
Originally uploaded by theater_chica
This picture sums up the play. We all look dead. That's because we all felt dead.

But now it's over and I can live again!! Woo!!

I will survive...

So...opening was tonight. We had seven people in the audience. But at least it went well. They were a responsive audience.

I think I've sent the wrong impression to some of my cast members. I need to stop worrying about it. It just makes me sad because some nights are so much fun when everyone's laughing and and joking around and then other nights it just seems like everyone's *well...for the most part* avoiding me. Oh well. I need to stop worring about that stupid crap.

I felt really decent about my performance tonight. Which rarely happens. I'm just hoping that I can keep it up the rest of the week. I have another show tonight, and then I have to move all my shit out of Sean's on Saturday...it's the only day I have with my parents here...and then I have another show on Saturday and then a Sunday afternoon show. Suckage dude.

Oh well...at least I'm having a nice time relaxing and winding down right now. I can worry more later...tonight I'm going to go home....get this damn makeup and hairspray off me...go to sleepy land...skip anthro more than likely...and just simmer for awhile. *sigh* It's gonna kick some ass.
Alright...I'm giving in and trying to do BOTH journals for awhile. It usually fails miserably...I'll warn you right now.

Rehersals have been going alright. I'm fairly certain the cast is irritated with my paranoia...but that's just how I roll. It gets better after the first couple of shows are over with. I think having a preview performance helped last night. I'm just concerned there isn't going to be anyone in the audience for opening tonight. I've never done a Thursday show before so it just seems sorta weird I guess.

Tuesday's final dress went really well. I just felt way more relaxed and had a lot more fun than usual. Yesterday's preview was alright. I forgot a couple lines and had a few "er" moments...but for the most part it was okay. Everyone else did really great and I think we'll have an awesome show for the paying public.

I ducked out on movie night last night. I feel like a horrible person...but dude...I was tired. I think I'm going to be dead by Sunday. With packing my entire house and moving on Saturday plus all the shows...I'm pretty sure I'm just going to sleep 24 hours on Monday. Screw class.

*sigh* I'm just as confused as ever about everything else. I'm sick of feeling like a giddy schoolgirl. I just need to keep reminding myself to be reasonable and stay grounded. It really does help. Until certain OTHER people start giving me crap again. I'm amazed how much I can control until other people start putting in their two cents. It's weird...there are certain people I like joking around with and there are others that just irritate me. Too bad I can't just go around wearing a sandwhich board sign saying "I'm in the mood to joke with _______ now." Oh well.

I had a minor panic attack last night before the show. It was nothing anyone did. I just can't handle being put on the spot. I wish I could just relax and go with the flow of things...but I just can't. It sucks because I know it drives everyone around me crazy...but I REALLY try to relax and I REALLY just can't.

Oh well...enough bitching for one day. Hope everyone else is doing superb.

Who knew?

Well...after a much enlongated conversation I found out a bunch of stuff tonight that I sort of had an idea about already but now I've heard it right from the source.

I have mixed feelings. For starters...I think that some things need to be worked out on their end before my end even gets put into the mix. I also am just looking for a "comfortable" relationship...I certainly don't want anything serious right now and I don't want to lead people on. Yet at the same time I don't want someone that I think might be amazing to slip away because I'm hung up with my own emotional baggage and stuff.

Eh...we'll just see how it goes.

Right now I'm tried and struggling with writing words and complete sentences so I'm going to go to bed. My goal for next week...be at my house before three a.m. every day of the week. Tonight's 4:25 or so was a little late for me....espically considering it was 5:25 without the time change:P What can I say...I'm a nightowl?

Laters peeps.
So...life is scarey. I'm sure everyone goes through scarey moments. I just feel really lost. I really want to stay in Decatur and finish up at least this part of school here. I'm sick of moving around like a rubber ball bouncing through life. After the play I'm going to start looking for a night job hardcore...and if that doesn't work out looking for something that I can start on days after the semester's over.

Michelle found me the most awesome people to stay with ever!!! I'm so grateful to both her and who I'm staying with it's not even able to be explained. My sanity is totally thanks to them and everyone else in the cast and crew that's been AMAZING well I've been having a mini crisis. I can't believe how much everyone's helped and all their concern. I seriously get overwhelmed everytime I think about it. I need to change my bio for the play. Jason...if you read this...send me a text tonight reminding me. There's some people I need to delete and some people I need to thank.

So...I have a home. I have a soft place to sleep. I don't really have internet that's easily available there...but I think I'm going to find an ethernet cable and see if there's an extra spot to just hook up upstairs and hang out for a bit each night. I get paranoid without my web.

So all in all I'm more worried and stressed...but much happier than I've been in a long long time. I need to just take it easy, hang out with people, and live for awhile. I really don't want to get anything else on my plate right now. I don't have the time or the room...but I'm happy where I'm at, who I'm hanging out with, and all the people I've met and the friends I've made have been amazing.

I might write more later. I just wanted to get this typed and posted before something big happens and I forget about updating.
I'm done. Through. I'll figure it out. I'm smart. I'm pretty *enough.* I can be fun, funny, fun to be around. I can be all of it. But I'm NOT going to be all of it for someone I've grown to resent. I like the person I am now. The person that isn't purposefully hunting others, that's willing to look at her downfalls and actually work on fixing them instead of hiding out in a dark corner hoping they'll go away. I have so many faults. I can't fix them all overnight. I can probably NEVER fix them all. But I can certainly work on being a better person. And I refuse to do that for anyone else. I only want to become a better person for myself. If someone else sees who I'm becoming, who I'm trying to be, and admires me for that...great. But that's not why I've been working on changing and that's not why I'll continue to change.

I really HAVE to figure out a way to stay in Decatur. Not here...but in Decatur. I NEVER in a million years thought I'd actually finally feel like a part of something here...but now I do. I don't want to stay here forever by any means...but I really want to finish this part of my life here. I was to get my Associates and then move on. I'm sick of failing. I'm sick of not doing what I KNOW I can do. I've got a 95% average in all my classes right now. I can DO this. And I might even be able to do it and get scholarships and everything. I just have to figure out how to LIVE here. I don't need a lot. I need a job with enough money to pay for a room to rent somewhere, and small storage space, food, gas, meds, and the unexpected. I'm willing to only take a couple classes a semester if that's what it takes. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I just HAVE to do this. I told myself when dad died that I was going to do this for him...and I'm NOT going to let that promise slip away. I CAN do this and there's a way out there...I just have to find it. I've got a few suggestions...and for once I'm seriously going to look into them. It's time I started living for myself.

I fell into another one of my sucidal patterns again tonight. The same patterns I've been facing ever since middle school. I can't remember when the first time I felt like that was. I'm so greatful that I can recognize them now and tell myself it's okay to feel that way but also let myself have the time I need to snap out of it. It was so scarey a few years ago when I would feel like this and pump my thigh full of a half a bottle of insulin and then a half hour later hurl myself down the stairs in a sweaty heap looking for sugar from anywhere I could get it. Sometimes I still wish I wasn't such a chicken and I could just drive my car 80 mph into a tree...but I know that I'm here for some reason and eventually I'm going to find that reason.

I've really been wondering about destiny and fate and religion and how "big" the world is lately. I still don't think I believe in the whole Christian God idea...but I do believe in a lot of the moral teachings. I'm just trying to be a good, decent person right now and I'm hoping that I'll find the answers that make sense to me sometime.

The one thing I do miss is having a professional counciler to talk to. Someone who could help me sort through the mess of my relationship with Sean *or lack of relationship...or my wanting and not wanting all at the same time...however you'd like to put it* and my dad's death. Those are the two big ones. Dad's been dead nearly a year and a half now and I still can't REALLY admit it to myself. I miss him so much. Even though we never saw eye to eye and we never really agreed...I do know he loved me. I know my mum loves me. I know my cat loves me. That's all I've got now. My mother and a cat. I feel really alone a lot and I wish I had someone I could really talk to about it who was a third perspective and not wanting to comfort me but actually wanting to help me work though it all. The new people I've met are great...but they want me to be happy and comforted...they don't necessarily want me to heal *or at least they don't realize always siding with me and not really looking at the whole picture isn't always what I need*

I wish he'd turn down the fucking music. It's almost five and I've got a test in the morning that I've missed about four lectures for. I'm outta here at seven so I can sit in my car at Richland and read this crap.

Along the lines of being a better person...I'm really really really proud of myself. I'm really starting to look at what I need and what's best for me as far as relationships are concerned. I've had an interest in someone for awhile now...but I'm smart enough to know it's a bad idea. How great is that? Before I wouldn't have cared and just tried to jump in. Now I know it would never work and I'm smart enough to see that. I've been "single" *I use quotes because it's been a feeling of gradual decline...with periods of officalness and periods of trying to work it out...but never in a real supportive relationship* since July now...and I'm still not feeling confident. I just want to meet someone I can really open up to and talk with. I don't want sex or anything remotely sexual. I want someone I connect with. Someone who isn't looking to get into my pants *because let's face it..98% of guys who show a remote interest in me are...not saying that I'm that great...just saying that the majority of guys like sex that much* but it looking for intellect, who wants to share their knowledge and idea, who doesn't necessarily want someone who agrees with everything they think but wants someone who'll listen to their side and try to empathize with it...even if they don't agree with it. Someone who's open minded. Someone who understands I have a life that won't always include them. I have my friends...they have theirs...and SOMETIMES they come together in the middle...but not always. Someone who supports my wanting to have a 4.0 and not looking at it as a stupid goal. Someone who WANTS me to be involved in theatre again because they can see it makes me happier and not hold it over my head as a playing card to prove they aren't important. I basically want something that doesn't exsist. I want a relationship without sex. I've come to learn in this world...that can't happen.

I wish I could take a lot of my life back. Not all of it...but a lot. I've learned from everything I've done...but I wish I would have got the lessons the first time instead of the fifth or sixth time. Maybe I'm just that thick headed. Who knows?

Anyhow...I'm running out of steam. I'll probably write me tomorrow...I just don't have it in me right now...

Balence

Balence is fricken hard. There are so many things that are important to me. Sean, even though it's uber rough right now, is at the top of the list. But my future, and my grades, and my sanity are also up there at the top. The balencing act is becoming exhausting.

I just feel sometimes like everything is on my shoulders. I understand why he feels like I need to be bowing to his every whim and desire...but I can't shake the feeling that if he really wanted a relationship, he'd be trying to do this together instead of constantly telling me how much I don't do and what a worthless piece of shit I am. I think I'm just irritated because I was having a decent day. I showed up to my anthropology class on time after over a week of being too tired to go...and didn't seem like I was all THAT far behind. I've missed a couple quizes and I need to talk to him to see if there's a way to make them up...but other than that it shouldn't be too too bad. I didn't make a complete fool of myself in math, even though we are doing factoring right now which is something I wasn't even good at in middle/high school when I had this math class the first time. I have a feeling my 98% average in that class is going to come crashing down after the next test. I talked my way out of turning in my drama paper that was due today...just because I mentally can't think of what to write. It's an easy paper...I just...I don't know.

And then rehersal actually went okay. Michelle actually had some things to say to me that will help me improve the play. I was getting so paranoid because she hasn't been giving me suggestions...and I'm really excited that she had tips for me tonight. Despite the first impressions I've probably made with her and the rest of the cast, I really do thrive on constructive criticism and always becoming better. I know I'll never be perfect, but I also know there's not point in stopping to try to be perfect because that's the only way you're going to become better. After rehersal I went to IHOP with Joe, Jake, and a group of their friends *I wanna say Jim *six degrees of seperation guy from blockbuster...small world* Andy and Bethany* I had a good time and actually got to relax and just BE for awhile. Unfortunately that meant that I completely lost track of time and when Joe looked at his phone and said "Oh my it's 11:15 already" I sort of got this gross feeling in my stomach. I don't know...part of me just wishes so bad that I could have a nice time without feeling guilty...but I'm always going to. I'm always going to be trying to prove myself...and I just feel more and more and more like I'm never going to be able to. I'm not happy with the way things are right now. I could be...and I could even be happy with the "rules" that we have...but not when I'm feeling like I'm 100% of the trying and there's no one trying with me. I'm sick of "proving" myself. Someone trying to hold together a healthy relationship shouldn't be proving themself. They should be working with the other person.

It just pisses me off. Sean is a wonderful guy. I'm just not a wonderful person. I don't know why I'm not willing to give up new friends and grades and all that other crap. Uggg...I'm too tired to really make sense right now...I can tell. This paragraph was SUPPOSED to be about all the kind things he's done for me...which are more numerous than I'd ever be able to name...but it's just going to come out as a mush of me trying to defend myself. Which isn't what I'm trying to do.

I did find the promise string today. I swear to God I looked where I found it a million times when I was looking before and it wasn't there. It made me smile. As stupid as that is. I don't feel like I have anything to smile for. But I really really want to believe that I do. I hate having this head/heart conflict. I will it's making me be smart about some things though. I am actually really pound of my behavior recently. I'm passing up things I never would have when I was a horrible crappy person. I really think at the very least I am becoming "better." I don't like hurting people...it makes me feel like shit...and I'm making choices I'm pround of now. I know I do things that piss him off constantly...and I don't do them consciously *I can't spell* but the things I'm NOT doing I'm proud of. I think I've grown and come a long way...and I know he'll never see it...but I do see it. I know what I've done, what I'm doing, and what I'm trying to do more and more of everyday. I'm allowed to feel proud of myself...and I will continue to do so.

I know a lot of this is cryptic and rambling...and I doubt anyone will actually read it...but my brain is a muddled mess and I just needed to get this stuff off my chest before I went nutty. Even though I have friends that I can enjoy and hang out with...I still don't feel like I have anyone I can really TALK to. It sucks.