you know you love me

(no subject)

I hate hate hate it when I can't get people out of my head. I'm happy right where I why am I stuck on this? Why can't I just realize I'm happy and not care about the rest of it?

I'm doing a show with Theatre 7. The experience hasn't been what I expected at all. I'm a dinky chorus part...which I'm fine with...but it means a lot of dancing. I'm not BAD at dancing, but I'm not really GOOD either. And the people who are doing the choreography aren't all that good either. Which is making for a lot of tempers flaring. And then of course there's me getting all intimidated by all the new people. I've never been a 'cool' kid and I never will be a 'cool' kid. I just freeze around people I want to make a good impression around. People I don't care about I can chat with and banter with all day long, but people that I actually want to impress I just freeze around. Oh well. Probably better for my home life this way anyhow.

That's really about all that I can think of to post right now. Andy hurt his knee :( He will hopefully be getting an MRI on Wednesday to see what all needs to be done to get it fixed. Here's to hoping it's something that isn't going to keep him out of work for weeks and weeks on end :( Uggg.
daria star

"Never be afraid to sound pathological...that's what my therapy has taught me so far."

unless you're trying to impress someone. Then just go into it knowing you sound pathological and deal.

I'm NOT as big of a ditz as I appear. *pauses and waits for the laughter to stop* I'm really NOT. I'm a ditz when I worry. Or when I'm nervous. I've found turning into a ditz is not the best way to handle either of these situations, but it's how I cope. I'm actually smart, articulate, and talented. Just not when I SHOULD be. I'm a piece of work ;-)

Got to spend a couple lovely evening OUT of the house this week. Oh my God I needed that. I don't realize how MUCH I need to do things out with some people other than the ones I see every single fucking day until I actually do it. I got to see Watchmen twice. There's a little too much soft porn and blue dick for my comfort level, but once I got around that it was a pretty decent movie. I'm not a total comic book purist, but I thought they followed the story pretty close and did a great job. Without the 20 minutes of soft porn it would have been a decent length too. Maybe I'm just too uncomfortable watching people have sex on a gigantic screen in mixed company. No one else seemed to be complaining about it.

Olive Garden has delicious food. Also very conducive to conversation. Good conversation for once. I don't think I've laughed so much in months. Not even an exaggeration. I must get out more. Gran Torino was also amazing. Just a warning...if I ever have to choose between a human and a's going to be the dog...just sayin'. Also, I refrained from crying, but if I had been alone on my couch in the comfort of my own home, tears would have been there for sure. (They probably would have happened there, but I still had stage make-up mascara on and I would have looked like a raccoon if I cried, not pretty in public.)

Beyond Therapy has ended. It's been a learning experience. More often than not I was pissed, but "all's well that ends well." Mom will get to watch the recording. I'm not still in the hospital and despite some good effort DMH did NOT throw me into ketoacidosis this time and I did NOT have a week long ICU visit. So there are good things that came out of it. I TRIED doing a comedy and failed semi hardcore....but at least I tried. And I'm glad Casey had enough confidence in me to let me try. She did an AMAZING job as a director and I'm glad that everything turned out well for her. She had a lot of crap handed to her this show and she took it all in stride and ended up with a great production.

IRL is in full force now. Three weeks. THREE WEEKS *agggggggggggggggggggggggggg* I need to sit down and lock myself in the bathroom with the script. Hard core. And so help me god if my friends don't come see this show I'm going to be PISSED. I've been looking forward to this show since Foreigner and's like my final kick at RCC. Unless I'm stuck here next semester for a math class or something. In which case there's no guarantee I'll be doing another for all I know it's really IS my last kick at RCC. It's so important to me (and to Michelle and everyone else in the cast) that I just REALLY hope people actually show up. Like...SERIOUSLY.

Anyhow...I think I've exhausted the topics of my life right now. So yeah...untill I get motivated and write in this thing long.

(no subject)


You know what I JUST realized. I used to measure time by who I was dating. "Oh, that happened when I was dating Jesse," or "oh, that was back when Alan and I were going out." I don't do that anymore. I measure time by shows. It's now "back during Foreigner," or "when I did Wizard of Oz." Which I think is a good thing. Maybe it's time I stopped focusing so damn much on "the rest of my life with someone" and start just focusing on the rest of my life...period. I get so good at getting in really long relationships that seem to go nowhere. I don't want that this time...but I'm also still trying to figure out how exactly to avoid it. I'm also still figuring out how to not slip into past behavior when I'm bored. I'm doing a damn fine job of it so far...

I'm >< that close to saying screw it and basically starting over in school. I'll still get my degree here at RCC...but I really think I want to get a BFA in theatre. That would require me to basically start back at the beginning. I could still go to Eastern maybe next year and get a BA in theatre...but it's just not the same. I really want to submerge myself in this. I need to kick myself in the ass and start really buckling down this semester. I'm THREE classes away from graduating...

I've been having a lot of nice talks with a lot of different people. Some people that I've never really seen, some that I haven't seen in ages, some that I see more often than I'd like. But all have made my days a little brighter and a little more tolerable. Thanks everyone!

IRL started this week. Eeep.

Time to catch up I'm afraid....

Sunday, December 23, 2007
Currently Listening
By Barenaked Ladies
Who Needs Sleep?
see related

Ho ho humbug.
So...I spent most of the day driving in a blizzard. I needed to go to Wausau with my mom to pick up my Sam's card and get she wanted to get some stuff as long as we were there. Of course, today was the only day we could go. I drove 40 mph there, 35 the entire way home...probably five hours of driving altogether. Ugg.

Also, nothing makes me realize how much I value quiet until I'm in a car with my mother. I love my mother to death...but that woman HAS to be talking all the time. There can not be 10 seconds of quiet...after a half hour I lose it. I really do enjoy silence. Or just listening to the radio. I'm not a big talker with people like my mother. Plus she was bringing up stuff I'm sorta depressed about. And I REALLY didn't want to be talking about that. I guess some people get uncomfortable with silence. I think it's awesome to find people that I can be in a room with and there doesn't have to be constant chatter. Those are the best kind of people. So yeah. Ugg.

I got the stuff to make Chex mix. Asked mum if we had the stuff. "Yes, we have the stuff." Get home. Melt butter in pan. Discover we don't have garlic powder or enough Worteshire sauce. Get in car. Attempt pulling out of driveway. Get stuck. Perry and mom unstick car and SHE went to the store to get the stuff. But Chex mix doesn't taste like Chex mix at all. I can't help but thinking it's because it got stopped in the middle of the process.

I'm giving up on the idea of a relationship for a bit. It seems people I'm interested in don't reciprocate an interest and I'm a bit too picky anyhow. Besides, it will be good for me to be alone in that respect for awhile. My number one focus right now is on school and finding a career and it's hard to include someone in that search. If someone comes along that's great and I'll be thrilled, but I'm going to quit focusing on it. Or at least try very hard.

Tomorrow I'm going to Grandma's to visit for Christmas and then on Christmas I'm going to my stepgrandma's to hang out with my cousins and stuff. I'm hoping it's over quick. I hate faking being happy. But I don't want to put everyone else in a bad mood so I do it. I'm hoping Chelsea and I can run away and do something "anti-Junkermann" for awhile. We'll see. pissed am I that Sweeney Todd is not playing up here? You have NO idea!!! *fumes*


Monday, December 24, 2007
Currently Listening
Fashion Nugget
By Cake
see related

Christmas: Round 1
I woke up six times today...everytime I got up I felt tired and sick and just went back to sleep. I didn't start moving until after noon. I'm pretty sure I'm coming down with another cold. Boo.

We went to my grandma Johnson's today to visit for Christmas. It's nice seeing her and my Uncle Tom *yes...I have an Uncle Tom* but I hate going over there. The apartment is always FILLED with cigarette smoke and it hurt my throat really bad since I'm starting to get sick. But it was a nice visit. I got a new bag to put all my makeup in, some jewlery grandma didn't want that I really don't want either...hehehehe...and a McDonald's gift certificate...which oddly enough I asked for. Some days after school I just don't want to go home and make dinner and it's nice not have to PAY for french fries when I get the craving. That card will last me a couple months at least. Woo for grandma.

We did our Christmas pizza tradition tonight too. Mom has to work tomorrow and then we're all going to Grandma Carol's so there won't be time. I can't wait to see my Aunt Karen and cousins. Should be fun.

My hair is offically black. Forgot to mention that. I'm retouching it tonight though. There's some brown sneaking through and it annoys me.

Merry Christmas everyone! Not much to say tonight...for once.


Tuesday, December 25, 2007
I've come to a realization that one of the reasons I probably don't like Christmas is that I'm ALWAYS sick. Since I've graduated high school...I've been in the hospital for two Christmases and I've had a cold or flu for most of the others. This year I woke up, ate breakfast, Perry left for Grandma Carol's, and I started puking. I eventually fell back asleep, Perry called, I hauled my butt to Rhinelander, opened presents (hat, gloves, scarf and $25 from Grandma Carol and Charlie and a $50 gift card from K-Mart *of all places?* from Aunt Karen, Uncle Chris and Karissa. And some homemade body scrub from Karissa too. There was a bunch of venison that Brad gave us...but Perry will get all that.) We watched Wheel of Fortune and Deal or No Deal and then I escaped. What a Christmas :-|

Last night we opened gifts here. In my "I'm boycotting giftgiving" I did not give gifts, but I did give lots of hugs and Merry Christmas wishes. It's all I can afford this year anyhow. Mum gave me some Avon stuff she's had that she thought I'd being a mirror that I can take traveling with me...that'll come in handy. She also gave me a Burt's Bees starter kit someone didn't want at the gift exchange they did at work :) I'm all for Burt's Bees matter how she got it. And then I got a TON of food from both Golden Harvest and Sam's Club...which was much appreciated. Oh...and a French press to make tea and coffee!! I'm excited.

I feel kinda guilty that I don't feel festive this year. I think I'm exhausted with trying to make sure people aren't mad at me, trying to convince people I'm not mad at them, and trying to avoid incompletes turning into F's that I've lost track of the holiday spirit. Normally New Year's is my favorite holiday, but this year I'm dreading it. I'm almost thinking I'm going to stay up here and pretend like it's not happening. We'll see in a couple days. Might just be because I'm sick.

So yeah...that's about it.Hope you all had lovely Christmases and got what you needed/wanted this year.


Friday, December 28, 2007

home...home on the range...
....where the kittens and puppy dogs play.

I'm going to miss Google and Buddy...but such is life. They've been so snuggly today. *sigh* That's why I'm an animal person. Animals are always there to give you a "hug." People? Not so much. Espically when you're shy like me and tend to start avoiding people during the hard times. But that's how I cope. If people have a problem with's there problem. I do just fine.

I'm looking forward to being back in IL and I'm also dreading it. Looking forward to it because I want to see friends and hang out and have fun a couple days before I start freaking out about papers and tests and shows and rehersals and everything else I tend to freak out about, but dreading it because it's such a dreary, lonely place. I'm going to try to network to more people in the Champaign/Urbana area. It's so much more alive there than Decatur. Decatur has...factories and corn fields. That's about it. It really makes me with it was easier to get into the theatre program at UIUC...but I know that's a pretty much unattainable goal.

So yeah...laundry's folded...I need to start packing the car. If I leave by three...I'll be home by noon. Unpack the car, grab and shower, have time for a nap and then go out and spend time unwinding and celebrating the return to IL. I guess I'm more looking forward to being back than dreading it. Yay for positive outcomes!!


Friday, December 28, 2007
Welcome home?
Yeah...I probably should have stayed up north...

I found my sunglasses....smashed into a million pieces in the driveway by my car.

I have NO PLACE to put all this crap my mother sent me home with.

And I'm in no mood to be social...but I'm going to be anyhow in hopes that I'll get in the mood once it's forced upon me.

This is all.

*edit* This is not all.

I hate myself. I hate that I push people away. I hate that I don't even realize that I'm doing it until it's too late. I hate people that can call people they've just met a friend. I hate that it takes me YEARS before I don't feel weird attaching that label to someone usually. I hate that I won't let myself open up to people. I hate that I can't tell some people I'll NEVER open up to them. I hate that I don't have the guts to tell people how I feel. I hate that I don't have more determination to go after what I want. I hate being alone. I hate being not alone. I hate that I'm tired and rambling. I hate that I ramble so much.

I do, however, love my new black hair. It suits me more than fake highlighted light brownish.


Saturday, December 29, 2007
Currently Listening
Sweeney Todd (2005 Broadway Revival Cast)
By Stephen Sondheim, Michael Cerveris, Patti LuPone
Pretty Women
see related

I'm so so so so glad I went out tonight. Even if I do have a slight headache now. Joe's band was amazing. And I got to hang out with people that I don't normally get to spend much time with. Plus a lot of the P.A.W. people that I normally don't get to see were it was fun times. Plus I got to meet some new people that I'm always hearing stories about. Yay!! There were enough people there that I didn't feel like a bump on a log and could have mini-conversations (well...until the music got REALLY loud) I just had a really great time and it was a much needed pick me up from an otherwise crappy day.

After Joe's show some of us went to Austin's and sort of watched Sin City. Fun times...I wish I could hang out with people more often. Unfortunately...I don't let myself. I just feel really old all the time and it's weird to spend time with people. I know I shouldn't let the fact that I'm a couple years older stand in the way of making friends and being social...but lately I can't help it.

I'm getting tired. I'll write more later...

*addition* I would like to take this moment to again point out amazing people. Between the nana that Michelle made and the wrap-up blankie that Kris and Blake got me for Christmas...I'm pretty sure I won't be cold anymore :) AND...Starbucks. I mean...dude. And body wash. Christmas when I got home was probably more exciting than back up north rocks. Maybe it's more of a toss up. I'm just...really lucky to have such cool people. Friends to hang out with and super amazing and nice people to live with and super cool teachers/second parental types at school and yeah...I'm all filled with warm fuzzies now :) Thanks everyone...and if you're reading this you're definately one of those super amazing cool people I'm really grateful for!!


Sunday, December 30, 2007

Currently Listening
All We Know Is Falling
By Paramore
see related

I wouldn't say I'm depressed tonight. Because I'm not really depressed. Just kind of in one of those pondering moods. The whole friendship thing is irking me. It's not because I don't have friends I've realized. It's because my defination of "friendship" is so different than most people's.

Main Entry:
Middle English frend, from Old English frēond; akin to Old High German friunt friend, Old English frēon to love, frēo free
before 12th century
1 a: one attached to another by affection or esteem b: acquaintance
2 a: one that is not hostile b: one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4: a favored companion

See...if I could grasp onto that definition I wouldn't be feeling so "friendless" right now. But I really need someone I can trust won't find me silly. Someone who I can really TALK to and doesn't find me irritating. Maybe that's it. I fear that people find me irritating.

I just have a really hard time calling someone a friend. There's a lot of people I know and have met here in Illinois. I enjoy hanging out with them and talking with them and all the stuff that friends do. But I can't call them friends. There are a few I've met that I can ALMOST stick that label too...but I start to really think about it and think "yeah, but would they get it if they knew ME" and hesitate. And then there are those that I've met that are just too much like me and so even though I know they get it...they're just like me in the sense that they spend the time second guessing themselves instead of just going with it and attempting to connect to people. And so...I'm feeling really lonely lately. Because there's things about me I know some people won't accept...and there's me feeling scared to take chances to let people know me...and me feeling weird trying to reach out to some people because I don't want to be irritating and annoying because I know I hold onto some things too much...and...well...I'm just feeling really alone.

If you're reading this...don't think any one thing pertains to you. And don't say "you can talk to me." Because....I realize I can talk to anyone really. I just choose not too. I guess I'm just reserved. And they people that I feel like I can talk to are the ones that are kinda driving me loopy right now with overthinking. So I just don't really want to talk to anyone. Not trying to be offensive...just trying to get stuff out. I'm horrible with words really.

Also, I'm going to the UU service in the morning. I'm feeling really incomplete. Maybe something I hear will spark something. Maybe not. But it's a comfortable starting place since I've never been terrilbly close to the whole "God" idea....but always close to the something has to be guiding me to do good and right idea. Maybe it is God. I really don't know right now. I'm not the type to jump into a blind faith because it's what's popular. The more it bugs me...the more I need to keep questioning and figure it out for myself. I figure this is a good start. There's God people, not God people, science people...all sorts at UU. I just need to talk to some people. Cry a bit. I need some guidance right now from people I know aren't set on converting me to one thing or another and really want to help ME....not help me find their religion. Mom's UU friends are those types of maybe something will click here.

anyhow...I think I've bitched enough for tonight...laters


Sunday, December 30, 2007
right. So I'm all excited about going to the UU fellowship this morning. All hoping to really get something out of it. And guess what? There's ISN'T one this morning. "Sunday, December 30. No Service. 10:15" WTF???

Now...I could go a number of ways with this. I could take this as a sign that religion/spiritualism just isn't supposed to be happening for me right now. I could take it and use it to spark even more determination to figure this all out...heh...I could take it as God wants me to haul my ass to the library and really start taking a serious look at this paper I'm supposed to be writing. *edit* Except the library doesn't open until one apparently...I give *waves little white flag*

But really. Those of you that know me probably know me hauling my butt out of bed on a Sunday is a big deal. And then there's no service. *grumble*


there...just in case any of you care what I've been up to....which is doubtful....but yeah....there

(no subject)

I guess this is sort of a list of "resolutions," but since I don't make resolutions, it's more of things I'd like to focus on to make myself a better person and be less stressed.

1. Joy in my heart.
2. Conquering my shyness. This includes asking people to do thing with me, answering my phone when people call, calling people, approaching people that seem interesting and trying to get to know them, making new friends, and being more social in my house.
3. Asking for help AS SOON AS I realize I need it. Or might need it. Not letting things snowball to the point where I have no clue what to do or how to fix it.
4. Being happy with where I am relationship wise. Not that I'm not happy...I'm just...not happy. I'm glad no one reads this...I sound like a crazy woman! I guess I'm not happy because I'm so cynical about it. I want to be more open and receptive to the idea that there might be someone that I work well with relationship wise. I also want to trust my instincts more...because I know me and I know when something will work and when it won't.
5. Being who I am and not hiding.
6. Start going to least once in awhile. Staying true to myself is okay and being spiritual in my way is okay...but I really think there's something empowering about being with a group of people while doing that stuff. I don't like using the word praying or worshiping because they had such negative connotations with my dad and it's hard for me to break those bonds...but I guess that's what I'm talking about. Yes...this is STILL bothering me.
7. Quit speaking poorly of myself. I don't ACTUALLY think I'm fat, stupid, worthless, or I don't know why I say those things. I think I use self-deprecation as a defense mechnisim...and I need to find a way to deal with feeling threatened other than being down on me. When I focus on NOT saying those things I really do have better I have to just keep that in mind more.

I'm sure there are more...but those are the major ones. I'm sure that I won't change them all this year...some of them I've been trying to work on for years...but I would like to keep these things in mind more and really challenge myself to make positive steps in each one.

In other news...12 inches of snow on the way. Sweet!! I'm taking pictures tomorrow!!
you know you love me

And I will drive 1000 miles and I will drive 1000 more...

Well, 460.63 miles gave me a lot of time to think. And thinking is dangerous...

You know how they say "if you can't get someone out of your head, you shouldn't give up on them?" Well, I'm here to say that I think that is bullshit. Maybe it's my cynical nature, but I'm from the "if you truely care about someone, you'll let them go" camp. And that's where I'm at. Sorta. Heh...or maybe I'm just trying to kid myself into not caring again...because if I don't care the end result won't matter. I just don't understand why I can't just get some things out of my head. Maybe because I'm letting myself get my hopes up.

All the amazing people I've gotten the chance to know in Illinois. Michelle, Kris, Blake, all the drama people and all their friends...the list keeps getting bigger. Also, how fortunate I am that Sean and I broke up. If it wasn't for that, almost none of these people would have gotten to impact my life in such a positive manner. Sure, I've lost a couple people because of it, but when I really think about it, none of those people were my friends. They were people I hung out with and did things with because that's who Sean hung out with and did things with. So really, I didn't lose anything and gained a ton.

How strange it is that I never got really really upset about breaking up with Sean. Maybe it was because we had been breaking up since July. I had three months of preparing for the "final blow." Maybe it was because I knew that we weren't good for each other and it was more relief than anything else. I really don't know. I just know that I'm so much happier now. Even with all the stress and the uncertainity and the being alone, I'm happier. And that's key.

So yeah...I made it back up to the good ole E.R. without too much trouble. I got excited and made too quick an exit off the road in Bloomington, but that was only a 15 minutes detour. Then between Stevens Point and Wausau the road was blockaded with police everywhere. Looked like a bomb went off...literally. The semi in front of me stopped and talked with the officer that was there for a good ten I just followed him around all these backroads and eventually ended up back on the highway...probably another 15 mintue detour. But...I'm in one piece and here for a little over a week. Uggggg.
you know you love me

and this week...

You know what's really hard? Watching someone exactly like you go through life. Well maybe not exactly. But really really similar. Listening to them one day. Listening to their amazing advice and really truly embracing what they are saying and feeling GOOD because you did...and then seeing that same person fall. And wishing so much you knew what to say to make them see you DO understand and you DO get it and you feel the same exact way and not being able to. They don't even have to say anything...because what they do say in their own way you get. Wishing so hard that you knew them better so you knew what to say to them. So you could not feel weird and creepy asking them to talk to you, to let you in. So you wouldn't feel weird about relizing that you are what they need right now and not knowing how to bring it up. And not feeling weird about any of these things because you think they're werid...but because you think YOU'RE weird for thinking it. Being just as flippin awkward as they are. And feeling just as "unincluded" as they are with the world around them. And to top it off...having amazing days of feeling great and crappy ass days of feeling not so great like they do.

I just want to scream. Not in a bad way. In a "why don't you see it" way. But, if there's one thing my old age has taught me is sometimes you just have to let go. Sometimes you can't make people see. A hard fact of living it that sometimes, you have to watch people you care about figure it out on their own terms. And many times...their own terms don't include you.

I have a good life. I have a mother and stepfather who would give me the world. I have teachers at school that have bent over backwards to see me succeed this semester. I have people I live with that encourage me and support me and listen to me and my silly problems. I even have a few friends I can go to and talk to, but no one that I want to share what I'm really feeling with. No one that I think would UNDERSTAND. But the one person that might is the one person I don't want to weird out. Why does life have so many catch-22s?

You know what else sucks? Getting your hopes up. You know, people give me a hard time about being pessimistic. But this would be a prime example of why I am. Of why I take every conversation I have with a grain of salt. Of why I feel REALLY stupid for even thinking I could find what I might be looking for.

You know what ELSE sucks? Richland's financial aid people. I went there Friday afternoon because I had received conformation that my FAFSA was processed on Dec. 3 and I hadn't heard anything from Richland about it. I started thinking maybe there was more paperwork I needed to do that I just didn't know about or something. So, after going to the desk and asking to speak to someone, I sat down to wait. Then ANOTHER lady started working the desk, and a few people came in. In about 15 minutes this lady tells them to go back to the office and so and so would talk to them. I didn't really think much of it. Until I had been sitting there for 40 minutes and more people started getting sent in...I then went up and asked if I was even IN the computer system...and I wasn't. So after about 50 of waiting around, I get to go talk to someone. Only to be told I don't exsist at RCC. I THEN go to the LRC to pull up the emails that the government sent me and print out all the conformation I have, and go BACK to financial aid and hand it to them. Only to be told "that's odd, I don't know what to tell you, we'll call you in a few days." YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL ME???? How about "Don't freak out we'll figure you where you're going to come up with $1500 to go to school next semester." That would be a great place to start. *sigh*

In other news...I'll be going back home either Monday or Tuesday and staying until either the 28th or 3rd. I won't have a lot of internet access then because the family's on dial-up...but I plan on spending my entire Christmas gatherings on coffee so I'll at least be online while drinking the caffienated goodness that it is.

I had a bunch of other stuff to say right now...but it has escaped me and somehow doesn't seem important anymore.

Hope everyone stays safe and warm this weekend.