September 3rd, 2006


I hate...

I really hate all the conflicting feelings I've been having lately. I know that the things I'm going through are justified and that all the feelings I'm having aren't abnormal...but at the same time I feel as though I should have worked through all these things by now. It's been a couple months and I'm feeling the way I think I should have felt in July. I'm sort of crippled by the way I'm feeling empty and lost.

I also hate the fact I'm overemotional. Things that don't normally bother are bugging the hell out of me right now. I think a lot of it stems from the fact I don't have many people I can really talk to and feel like I'm not being judged. Jessica said she was going to ask someone where I should call to see about sliding scale counseling...but I haven't talked to her in a couple days and I truely don't know where to begin a search. I'm still trying to figure out where a doctor I can afford is so I can get my drivers lisence changed.

I'm really torn about even staying in Illinois. I love Sean and I can't imagine leaving him. But I really can't imagine staying in Decatur...especially a coulple blocks from dad's house. I had a very difficult time when dad moved down here and sold the house up north. I felt like a part of my life was no longer available. I didn't spend a lot of time at dad's...but I did stay with him a whole summer and that house was the memory I have most of him. This whole city is. I can't really enjoy myself when everything reminds me of him or something I did with him or he would say or do. I REALLY think I'd be doing better if I was somewhere else. I'm sure I'd still have a hard time...but perhaps I'd also be able to function.

Eh...I'm sleepy and babbling. I just wanted to get some things off my chest.