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Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right

aka...Amanda needs to get a grip.

So...as most of you know I've been not really depressed...but feeling rather gloomy. Moving has brought out most, if not all, of my insecurities. Trying to figure out how to get Jesse down to the level I want him at is exhausting, because if I just throw it out there I'm going to have to live with the rentals for a month. Ewwww. My faith in the human race and it's intelligence level in general is dwindling more and more everyday. All in all, the last two years have just begun to take their toll on my emotional health. And like I've said before...my good ole standby friends just aren't really stand by anymore. I've met one person here at work that I'm emailing on a regular basis now that brings a smile to my face. Not because of songs on love but just because he gives my ego a boost and is a really great guy in general. But a single encounter isn't going to give me a new outlook on life. Or so I thought.

Last night there were several guys coming back from the bars. At the time I thought they were all here for a bachelor party...as one of them is soon to be married. Most of them straggled up to their rooms, but two stayed down at the desk and talked to me *aka...begged to get into the hot tub* while I did paperwork. I have been offered upwards of $700 to open the pool after hours...and until last night I had never done it. I don't know why...maybe because I only have a few more days of work left...but at about four I went ahead and let them in. They went down for about 20 minutes...got out...said thanks and went up to their rooms. Ten minutes later they come down with peanuts and bottled water and chat with me some more. One was wearing a wedding band and the other wasn't. One *we'll call him D* offered to vaccuum up the peanut shells and the other *we'll call him C* asked if I'd like to go out in the boat with all of them today and I was welcome to come up and knock when I got off if I wanted to. The hotel has a strict policy about visiting other guests rooms but I said if I could get up there I would.

So at seven when I got off there was no way I was getting up there. I was a little bummed...but decided I'd go home and grab my swimsuit and swim awhile on the off chance that I could catch them between checking out and their cars. To make a long story shorter...I did catch them and proceeded to go to breakfast then boating with them. After hauling A TON of crap from car to boat and boat to campsite and setting up several tents...we went out on the boats and I watched everyone waterski and wakeboard. We just floated around a bit...all sorts of fun stuff. At about seven they took the boat back to the campsite and D and J said they'd take me back to their car to take me back to my car. We ended up going on the lake to this little peaceful cove and just floating around. Nice snuggly atmosphere. I'm not sure where it turned. Like one of my friends said after I started freaking out "Sometimes things just happen." I remember thinking that I should say something, that this guy is married and he'll regret doing what he's doing, that I'D regret what he was doing...that I should be the good person and say something and put a stop to the whole thing. We had gotten a blanket out of the back and I was leaning on C a bit and hands started wandering. I had several chances to stop what was going on...and I did *feably* try once or twice. It was when I realized there were more than two hands that I think I didn't care about the married thing anymore. I had the best hour or so of my life last night. Two 34 year old married guys got a blowjob and got to pleasure a cute 24 year old girl. I remember thinking somewhere along they way that they must have messed around before because they don't seem to have any reservations about it. But on the ride home in the car with J I asked him if he had. He hadn't. WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT MAKES TAKEN GUYS ATTRACTED AND SINGLE ONES REPULSED???? I feel awful. The whole idea of getting in the boat to get me home was because he didn't trust hiself with me and wanted the temptation gone. Which I totally respected. Then they had to start something. And that something was great so I can't even feel bad properlly. Ahhh...I'm messed up.

So...on to the really great part. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO damn nice to spend time with mature, educated people. To hold conversations. To laugh...have fun...and best of all to feel like I'm doing the right thing. I do have a head on my shoulders...I am doing good things and moving in the right direction...I will be someone. It was such a nice reassuring day. It sucks these people have no clue how much just inviting me to hang out and have fun meant. It changed my outlook on this whole situation. I can't even begin to explain. I mean I've been CRYING because it was such a good day. I think it was a total fate thing that they came along when they did.I was totally giving up on everything and everything that they said totally gave me the confidence to keep going. It wasn't buttering up...it was just open honest conversation. MATURE conversation. *sigh* I need to date older men. I don't know what I need really.

I need to get off here before I lose it.

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October 2009
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