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Ugggg. I'm so flippin tired and apparently I'm back into the "you will not sleep even though your body needs it" mode. It hate this mode. I want nothing more than to be a "normal" human and to sleep properly. Oh well...at least I'm getting all the musty laundry that's been living in my basement done. Olay!!

Shelby's in town...I guess. I didn't call her. I just don't feel right letting her into my life I guess. I resent the fact that she didn't want anything to do with me for almost 20 years and now she's all "ohhhh...it's so cool to have a little sister." Fuck that shit. I wanted a big sister during mom and dad's divorce...I wanted a big sister when I was in high school and had all sorts of questions about life. I feel like my life's been wasted and I don't need a big sister to continue to rub it in my face. Thanks...but I can do that myself.

*sigh* I really miss dad. Not so much the physical dad but the idea of him being here. I didn't see him much anyhow...so it seems the same...but when I really think about it it's like...wow...no more dad. How can that be? It doesn't really seem possible. It's like "yeah...I'll go see dad next week...oh wait" still. It's not his house anymore...it's Sue's house. Dad doesn't live down the street anymore. He's not here. I'm not going to be able to tell him I love him or anything anymore. I'm so jealous of people that get a warning...that get to say goodbye. I can't even remember the last time I saw dad. It was so...everyday. It was just another visit. I want him back. I'm really worried that everything is just going to keep getting worse with time and not better. I'm really scared. I'm scared about everything...my life seems so uncertain right now. I'm so dependent on others. I know that I CAN control my life better...I just don't want to right now. I want to mope and figure out how everything is changing and how I'm going to be okay with myself for the next 50 years or so. I'm definitely not okay right now.

*sigh* Well I'm going to stop...I think I'm just making it worse rather than better by writing.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 11th, 2006 03:29 pm (UTC)
"I'm so jealous of people that get a warning...that get to say goodbye."

I wouldn't be so quick to be jealous. I lost a friend to cancer and for two years it hung over our heads all the time. It wore at everyone we knew and didn't cushion the blow when it did happen. You are, in effect, living in fear of it happening for quite some time before having to deal with the actual grief.
Aug. 11th, 2006 07:14 pm (UTC)
Yeah. I'm not saying it's not hard either way. I'm not one that fears death. I just wish I had a chance to tell my father I loved him and that I appreciated everything he did for me. Sudden deaths leave too many things unsaid.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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