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Oct. 15th, 2007

Difficulites...

are everywhere. Right now my life is one huge mess. It's really like being on a rollercoaster. I can't find the place in my heart to care...or want to care...anymore. I've been on one too many highs and one too many lows...and really...I AM looking for something better. Whether it's here at home or somewhere else.

Last night I didn't even know if I had a home. That has to be the worst feeling in the world. Knowing that I've given up so much of myself for someone who's willing to throw me out on the street without so much as my meds and clothes. I don't care if I have to live out of my car...as long as I can get in a shower *read...gym membership* and I have a warm blanket and clothes...I'll be okay until the end of the semester. The more times I get "kicked out" and let back in the more I prepare myself for it. The more I believe it WILL come to that and it's only a matter of time. I just want to not rock the boat. I'm willing to do everything in my power...but I can't give up my LIFE. I'm NOT going to give up the people that I've finally started letting in. It's taken me almost two years here to find people I can talk to, who will listen to me...and they may not agree...but damnit...they'll listen. I've been craving that for so long.

It pisses me off the one person that really intrigues me that I've met is the one that's so hard to be around. It's not because I'm crushing. I might be...but not in a serious way. It's more that I'm just at a loss for words. This person says everything I'm thinking...their problems mirror mine. It's disturbing. But they are so much more grounded. Or at least they appear that way. I'm just in awe of them. It's not a crush...it's more of an amazing respect. I'm sure I've already mentioned it. But I'm just so shocked and amazed by it that I can't get it out of my head. I want to know how to have that. I want to know how to have the charisma they have. *sigh* More than anything I want to be able to turn off my emotions. The jealousy and the admiration and the...crush.

*sigh* I really am okay with where I'm at. I really am trying to make it better. I just wish I had some sign that I'm not throwing away my time and my love. I can't mentally hold on to it much longer without going crazy. Maybe I'm already there. Maybe he's fucking right. Maybe I am a better actress than I credit myself for. Maybe I AM capable of anything. Even if that anything only leads everyone else in my life to pain. Maybe I should just give up trying to be a good person and be the crappy person I know how to be. But then I couldn't deal with myself.

Ugg...I'm babbling. I need a nap and then I need to study. Catch you all later...

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