By Barenaked Ladies
Who Needs Sleep?
Ho ho humbug.
So...I spent most of the day driving in a blizzard. I needed to go to Wausau with my mom to pick up my Sam's card and get she wanted to get some stuff as long as we were there. Of course, today was the only day we could go. I drove 40 mph there, 35 the entire way home...probably five hours of driving altogether. Ugg.
Also, nothing makes me realize how much I value quiet until I'm in a car with my mother. I love my mother to death...but that woman HAS to be talking all the time. There can not be 10 seconds of quiet...after a half hour I lose it. I really do enjoy silence. Or just listening to the radio. I'm not a big talker with people like my mother. Plus she was bringing up stuff I'm sorta depressed about. And I REALLY didn't want to be talking about that. I guess some people get uncomfortable with silence. I think it's awesome to find people that I can be in a room with and there doesn't have to be constant chatter. Those are the best kind of people. So yeah. Ugg.
I got the stuff to make Chex mix. Asked mum if we had the stuff. "Yes, we have the stuff." Get home. Melt butter in pan. Discover we don't have garlic powder or enough Worteshire sauce. Get in car. Attempt pulling out of driveway. Get stuck. Perry and mom unstick car and SHE went to the store to get the stuff. But now...my Chex mix doesn't taste like Chex mix at all. I can't help but thinking it's because it got stopped in the middle of the process.
I'm giving up on the idea of a relationship for a bit. It seems people I'm interested in don't reciprocate an interest and I'm a bit too picky anyhow. Besides, it will be good for me to be alone in that respect for awhile. My number one focus right now is on school and finding a career and it's hard to include someone in that search. If someone comes along that's great and I'll be thrilled, but I'm going to quit focusing on it. Or at least try very hard.
Tomorrow I'm going to Grandma's to visit for Christmas and then on Christmas I'm going to my stepgrandma's to hang out with my cousins and stuff. I'm hoping it's over quick. I hate faking being happy. But I don't want to put everyone else in a bad mood so I do it. I'm hoping Chelsea and I can run away and do something "anti-Junkermann" for awhile. We'll see.
Oh...also...how pissed am I that Sweeney Todd is not playing up here? You have NO idea!!! *fumes*
Monday, December 24, 2007
Christmas: Round 1
I woke up six times today...everytime I got up I felt tired and sick and just went back to sleep. I didn't start moving until after noon. I'm pretty sure I'm coming down with another cold. Boo.
We went to my grandma Johnson's today to visit for Christmas. It's nice seeing her and my Uncle Tom *yes...I have an Uncle Tom* but I hate going over there. The apartment is always FILLED with cigarette smoke and it hurt my throat really bad since I'm starting to get sick. But it was a nice visit. I got a new bag to put all my makeup in, some jewlery grandma didn't want that I really don't want either...hehehehe...and a McDonald's gift certificate...which oddly enough I asked for. Some days after school I just don't want to go home and make dinner and it's nice not have to PAY for french fries when I get the craving. That card will last me a couple months at least. Woo for grandma.
We did our Christmas pizza tradition tonight too. Mom has to work tomorrow and then we're all going to Grandma Carol's so there won't be time. I can't wait to see my Aunt Karen and cousins. Should be fun.
My hair is offically black. Forgot to mention that. I'm retouching it tonight though. There's some brown sneaking through and it annoys me.
Merry Christmas everyone! Not much to say tonight...for once.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
I've come to a realization that one of the reasons I probably don't like Christmas is that I'm ALWAYS sick. Since I've graduated high school...I've been in the hospital for two Christmases and I've had a cold or flu for most of the others. This year I woke up, ate breakfast, Perry left for Grandma Carol's, and I started puking. I eventually fell back asleep, Perry called, I hauled my butt to Rhinelander, opened presents (hat, gloves, scarf and $25 from Grandma Carol and Charlie and a $50 gift card from K-Mart *of all places?* from Aunt Karen, Uncle Chris and Karissa. And some homemade body scrub from Karissa too. There was a bunch of venison that Brad gave us...but Perry will get all that.) We watched Wheel of Fortune and Deal or No Deal and then I escaped. What a Christmas :-|
Last night we opened gifts here. In my "I'm boycotting giftgiving" I did not give gifts, but I did give lots of hugs and Merry Christmas wishes. It's all I can afford this year anyhow. Mum gave me some Avon stuff she's had that she thought I'd like...one being a mirror that I can take traveling with me...that'll come in handy. She also gave me a Burt's Bees starter kit someone didn't want at the gift exchange they did at work :) I'm all for Burt's Bees stuff...no matter how she got it. And then I got a TON of food from both Golden Harvest and Sam's Club...which was much appreciated. Oh...and a French press to make tea and coffee!! I'm excited.
I feel kinda guilty that I don't feel festive this year. I think I'm exhausted with trying to make sure people aren't mad at me, trying to convince people I'm not mad at them, and trying to avoid incompletes turning into F's that I've lost track of the holiday spirit. Normally New Year's is my favorite holiday, but this year I'm dreading it. I'm almost thinking I'm going to stay up here and pretend like it's not happening. We'll see in a couple days. Might just be because I'm sick.
So yeah...that's about it.Hope you all had lovely Christmases and got what you needed/wanted this year.
Friday, December 28, 2007
home...home on the range...
....where the kittens and puppy dogs play.
I'm going to miss Google and Buddy...but such is life. They've been so snuggly today. *sigh* That's why I'm an animal person. Animals are always there to give you a "hug." People? Not so much. Espically when you're shy like me and tend to start avoiding people during the hard times. But that's how I cope. If people have a problem with that...then...well...it's there problem. I do just fine.
I'm looking forward to being back in IL and I'm also dreading it. Looking forward to it because I want to see friends and hang out and have fun a couple days before I start freaking out about papers and tests and shows and rehersals and everything else I tend to freak out about, but dreading it because it's such a dreary, lonely place. I'm going to try to network to more people in the Champaign/Urbana area. It's so much more alive there than Decatur. Decatur has...factories and corn fields. That's about it. It really makes me with it was easier to get into the theatre program at UIUC...but I know that's a pretty much unattainable goal.
So yeah...laundry's folded...I need to start packing the car. If I leave by three...I'll be home by noon. Unpack the car, grab and shower, have time for a nap and then go out and spend time unwinding and celebrating the return to IL. I guess I'm more looking forward to being back than dreading it. Yay for positive outcomes!!
Friday, December 28, 2007
Yeah...I probably should have stayed up north...
I found my sunglasses....smashed into a million pieces in the driveway by my car.
I have NO PLACE to put all this crap my mother sent me home with.
And I'm in no mood to be social...but I'm going to be anyhow in hopes that I'll get in the mood once it's forced upon me.
This is all.
*edit* This is not all.
I hate myself. I hate that I push people away. I hate that I don't even realize that I'm doing it until it's too late. I hate people that can call people they've just met a friend. I hate that it takes me YEARS before I don't feel weird attaching that label to someone usually. I hate that I won't let myself open up to people. I hate that I can't tell some people I'll NEVER open up to them. I hate that I don't have the guts to tell people how I feel. I hate that I don't have more determination to go after what I want. I hate being alone. I hate being not alone. I hate that I'm tired and rambling. I hate that I ramble so much.
I do, however, love my new black hair. It suits me more than fake highlighted light brownish.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Sweeney Todd (2005 Broadway Revival Cast)
By Stephen Sondheim, Michael Cerveris, Patti LuPone
I'm so so so so glad I went out tonight. Even if I do have a slight headache now. Joe's band was amazing. And I got to hang out with people that I don't normally get to spend much time with. Plus a lot of the P.A.W. people that I normally don't get to see were there...so it was fun times. Plus I got to meet some new people that I'm always hearing stories about. Yay!! There were enough people there that I didn't feel like a bump on a log and could have mini-conversations (well...until the music got REALLY loud) I just had a really great time and it was a much needed pick me up from an otherwise crappy day.
After Joe's show some of us went to Austin's and sort of watched Sin City. Fun times...I wish I could hang out with people more often. Unfortunately...I don't let myself. I just feel really old all the time and it's weird to spend time with people. I know I shouldn't let the fact that I'm a couple years older stand in the way of making friends and being social...but lately I can't help it.
I'm getting tired. I'll write more later...
*addition* I would like to take this moment to again point out amazing people. Between the nana that Michelle made and the wrap-up blankie that Kris and Blake got me for Christmas...I'm pretty sure I won't be cold anymore :) AND...Starbucks. I mean...dude. And body wash. lol...my Christmas when I got home was probably more exciting than back up north Although...food rocks. Maybe it's more of a toss up. I'm just...really lucky to have such cool people. Friends to hang out with and super amazing and nice people to live with and super cool teachers/second parental types at school and yeah...I'm all filled with warm fuzzies now :) Thanks everyone...and if you're reading this you're definately one of those super amazing cool people I'm really grateful for!!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
All We Know Is Falling
I wouldn't say I'm depressed tonight. Because I'm not really depressed. Just kind of in one of those pondering moods. The whole friendship thing is irking me. It's not because I don't have friends I've realized. It's because my defination of "friendship" is so different than most people's.
Middle English frend, from Old English frēond; akin to Old High German friunt friend, Old English frēon to love, frēo free
before 12th century
1 a: one attached to another by affection or esteem b: acquaintance
2 a: one that is not hostile b: one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4: a favored companion
See...if I could grasp onto that definition I wouldn't be feeling so "friendless" right now. But I really need someone I can trust won't find me silly. Someone who I can really TALK to and doesn't find me irritating. Maybe that's it. I fear that people find me irritating.
I just have a really hard time calling someone a friend. There's a lot of people I know and have met here in Illinois. I enjoy hanging out with them and talking with them and all the stuff that friends do. But I can't call them friends. There are a few I've met that I can ALMOST stick that label too...but I start to really think about it and think "yeah, but would they get it if they knew ME" and hesitate. And then there are those that I've met that are just too much like me and so even though I know they get it...they're just like me in the sense that they spend the time second guessing themselves instead of just going with it and attempting to connect to people. And so...I'm feeling really lonely lately. Because there's things about me I know some people won't accept...and there's me feeling scared to take chances to let people know me...and me feeling weird trying to reach out to some people because I don't want to be irritating and annoying because I know I hold onto some things too much...and...well...I'm just feeling really alone.
If you're reading this...don't think any one thing pertains to you. And don't say "you can talk to me." Because....I realize I can talk to anyone really. I just choose not too. I guess I'm just reserved. And they people that I feel like I can talk to are the ones that are kinda driving me loopy right now with overthinking. So I just don't really want to talk to anyone. Not trying to be offensive...just trying to get stuff out. I'm horrible with words really.
Also, I'm going to the UU service in the morning. I'm feeling really incomplete. Maybe something I hear will spark something. Maybe not. But it's a comfortable starting place since I've never been terrilbly close to the whole "God" idea....but always close to the something has to be guiding me to do good and right idea. Maybe it is God. I really don't know right now. I'm not the type to jump into a blind faith because it's what's popular. The more it bugs me...the more I need to keep questioning and figure it out for myself. I figure this is a good start. There's God people, not God people, science people...all sorts at UU. I just need to talk to some people. Cry a bit. I need some guidance right now from people I know aren't set on converting me to one thing or another and really want to help ME....not help me find their religion. Mom's UU friends are those types of people....so maybe something will click here.
anyhow...I think I've bitched enough for tonight...laters
Sunday, December 30, 2007
right. So I'm all excited about going to the UU fellowship this morning. All hoping to really get something out of it. And guess what? There's ISN'T one this morning. "Sunday, December 30. No Service. 10:15" WTF???
Now...I could go a number of ways with this. I could take this as a sign that religion/spiritualism just isn't supposed to be happening for me right now. I could take it and use it to spark even more determination to figure this all out...heh...I could take it as God wants me to haul my ass to the library and really start taking a serious look at this paper I'm supposed to be writing. *edit* Except the library doesn't open until one apparently...I give *waves little white flag*
But really. Those of you that know me probably know me hauling my butt out of bed on a Sunday is a big deal. And then there's no service. *grumble*
there...just in case any of you care what I've been up to....which is doubtful....but yeah....there